Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships

By James C. Petersen

SUMMARY

James C. Petersen’s book, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, is a treatise on talking and listening organized in five sections. The first section explores communication options. The second section develops a practical approach to talking and listening, followed by a section that identifies numerous communication traps and listening techniques. Petersen then explores the integration of the talker-listener methodology with group facilitation and concludes with a final section on basic philosophical precepts. The following provides a brief summary of the five sections.

Petersen’s first section, “Options in Communicating,” develops a theory of emotions designated as the Flat-Brain Theory, which purports a triadic formula of self that includes the stomach, heart, and head (Petersen 2007, 11-12). The stomach personifies emotions, the head corresponds to thoughts, and the heart represents personal responsibility (Petersen, 16). Petersen then defines the Flat-Brain Syndrome as a contorted relationship of the triad (23). Specifically, the emotional stomach bloats and causes heart pressure that stifles personal responsibility, resulting in a flattened brain that skews thoughts (23-26). The consequence is a Flat-Brain Tango where emotional overload leads to hurtful language landing in the stomach of the recipient who responds defensively and then retaliates (34). Finally, Petersen constructively suggests that terminating the destructive cycle entails letting go of winning prior to introducing the talker-listener process (39).

The second section, “The Talker-Listener Process,” describes how to use the talker-listener card. The author explains that the card clarifies who is talking and who is listening and then encourages the talker to take responsibility and the listener to stay detached (65-71). The card also identifies the goals of each party. The goal of the talker is to share feelings and thoughts, while the goal of the listener is to provide a safe, understanding, and clarifying environment (77-83; 93-99). Finally, the card provides warnings to both parties. The card warns the talker to avoid accusations, attacks, labels, or judgment and warns the listener to avoid agreeing, disagreeing, advising, or defending (89-91; 102-108). Petersen then briefly explains when to take turns talking and listening prior to exploring various communication traps and listening techniques.

Petersen’s third section, “The Listening Techniques,” begins by focusing on a number of communication traps, which include ritualistic listening, disguising questions as statements, asking accusing questions, and yes-butting (115-123). The author then highlights numerous basic listening techniques that entail thought and feeling empathy, several methods of inquiry, emotional connection devices, rapport building processes, a modified cost-benefit analysis and solution focused questions (126-156). Finally, Petersen addresses a number of special circumstances including how to listen well during boring stories, sad tears, death experiences, persistent anger, and suicidal situations (157-179).

The last two sections, “Using the TLC in Groups” and “Concluding Philosophy,” are brief. Petersen provides a lighthearted utilization of the talker-listener card with families and a more serious application of the card for moderating difficult conversations and negotiations (183-206). Finally, the author emphasizes the empirically proven value of empathy, genuineness, and warmth within the therapeutic process regardless of the school of psychology deployed (209-213).

INVESTIGATION

Although Petersen competently covers the basic principles of empathy and listening, the most interesting areas were the communication insights that augmented his foundational concepts. Specifically, the recognition that individuals lean into their potential only when solutions emerge from within helps mitigate the risk of attempting to fix or control (Petersen 2007, 72). In addition, the author identifies a common communication trap entitled the “Perry Masons,” which are statements disguised as questions with hidden motives that undermine relationships (Petersen, 116). Finally, Petersen’s paradoxical observation that interruption is a tool utilized to demonstrate interest in the counselee is another insightful strength (141).

Two areas of concern emerged during the reading of Petersen’s work that may need further exploration. Most importantly, the question arises of whether it is reasonable for the author to ignore the integration of practical application and the transformative power of the gospel of Christ. For example, Petersen appropriately suggests not defending oneself when criticized, but an explanation regarding how to eliminate defensiveness is absent (40). Defensiveness often occurs when individuals’ identities attach to external sources, but Petersen ignores that when individuals fuse their identity with Christ, defensiveness subsides. Another question may emerge, which is whether Petersen’s presupposition that humanity consists of “basically nice people” aligns with orthodox theological constructs (83). Although Petersen’s point is not completely mistaken, even mildly Reformed theologians may take exception.

Many of the techniques espoused by Petersen necessarily interface with Hawkins’ and Rice’s models of personhood. The assessment models provide a framework to source habituated patterns within individual counselees that include, for instance, thoughts, feelings, and relationships (Hawkins 2012a, slide 2). Petersen’s methods, which include listening techniques such as empathy and inquiry, provide the vehicle by which a counselor may identify the location of the negative habituated patterns within the counselee’s framework (Hawkins 2012a, slide 3). Furthermore, the techniques also provide a skill set necessary to move beyond locating the presenting problem into the relocation phase, which facilitates the discovery of solutions by the counselee through thoughtful inquiry (Rice 2012, slides 1-2).