What is the status of premarital counseling in your church/community? What level of importance does your church place on the institution of marriage, and are they doing anything creative to support young marriages?
Strengthening Marital Intimacy: Elements in the Process
Response
I have attended a non-denominational church, The Bridge, in Anderson, Indiana for several years prior to that church recently shutting down. The Bridge did not use any premarital assessment tools, but the pastor would meet with couples three times prior to the wedding. In the first session the pastor would listen to the couple’s story and discuss the typical needs of a man and woman. The second session addressed issues of sex and specifically how to discuss and handle situations when one partner wanted sex more often than the other. The third session addressed the importance of discussing the “blacklist,” which consists of topics that couples often avoid because they could be hurtful or difficult. Such topics might include in-law relationships, finances, and character flaws. The discussion of blacklist items aligns with Ronald Hawkins’s contention that good communication is vitally important for couples.[1]
I recently began attending a Lutheran church close to my residence in Fishers, Indiana. It appears the church places a high importance on the institution of marriage. However, the only visible efforts to support young marriages is a Sunday school class that emphasizes topics for young married couples. Otherwise, there does not appear to be anything creative to support young marriages.
I currently am the executive director of a Christian counseling organization, Lives Transforming, which has five licensed counselors on staff. The premarital counseling performed by Lives Transforming utilizes the Symbis assessment tool to provide a basic understanding of personality differences, communication styles, expectations etc. However, popular Christian assessments often lack emphasis on Gospel integration. According to Larry Crabb, the most basic human need is a sense of worth, and the primary route to worth is security and significance.[2] Often couples are looking to find security and significance in a marriage relationship. However, Crabb appropriately points out that justification by faith is an individual’s only way to acquire worth or acceptability.[3] The Apostle Paul explains that “this righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe…and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Rom 3:22, 24, New International Version). Accordingly, God’s gift of righteousness declares individual’s value and worth, not a spouse’s opinions or behaviors. Hawkins contributes to the discussion by asserting that intimacy is possible only when a “strong sense of separate self-worth” exists.[4] Thus, only when the couple can come to terms with their own sense of identity in Christ can the partners truly focus on loving each other rather than needing the partner to fill certain voids or needs. In sum, true love and intimacy can only occur if built upon the message of the Gospel. Thus, Lives Transforming combines assessment tools with the message of the Gospel.
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[1] Ronald E. Hawkins, Strengthening Marital Intimacy (Kearney, NE: Baker, 1991), 116.
[2] Larry Crabb, Effective Biblical Counseling: A Model for Helping Caring Christians Become Capable Counselors (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2013), 63.
[3] Ibid., 24–25.
[4] Hawkins, Strengthening Marital Intimacy, 12.
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