Click Images Above
DEALING WITH SHOULD STATEMENTS
When working with others on helping them cope with negative emotions, it is important to engage them with four very important steps. Utilizing the Thoughts, Emotions, Actions (TEA) philosophy, you can help others identify and change unhealthy thought patterns that are affecting their emotions, and ultimately their actions.
When you are sitting down with someone and they are engaging with you about their emotions or actions, the first step in helping them is to identify the unhealthy emotion that they are contending with. It could be one of many emotions. The key here is to gauge one’s spiritual temperature and if unhealthy emotions are flaring, one’s spiritual temperature is most assuredly affected.
Once the unhealthy emotion is identified, the next step is to identify the thought or thoughts behind the emotion.
Let’s take anger for example. Three potential thoughts that can cause anger in a person are:
“You’re not doing what I want you to do.”
“I have too much to do, too many expectations.’
“I have been forgotten by God.”
All of these thoughts can cause anger in someone and anger almost always comes from what I call, “Little Lie” statements, or “Should” statements.
“Should” statements can cause a lot of turmoil in people. Let’s take the three thoughts above that led to anger and see how they are really “should” statements.
“You’re not doing what I want you to do,” is another way of saying, “you should be doing something different.”
“I have too much to do,” really means, “I should have it easier.”
“God has forgotten me,” really means, “God should remember me.”
Once you find the “should” statements and contend with them, truth will be discovered and the anger will decrease.
Another example here is a couple who I will call Bill and Jan. Bill is frustrated and angry and when I ask him his thoughts, he says, “I need physical touch from my wife.” In others words, “My wife should be touching me more.”
The challenge here as a discipler is knowing what to say in response to this. The natural tendency is to say, “Oh, that is terrible! I can’t believe it!” Instead of saying this, what you can do is ask Bill to give you three reasons why his wife is not touching him.
He may say things like,
“She’s always tired.”
“She doesn’t respect me.”
“I yell at her a lot.”
“She doesn’t believe she is attractive anymore.”
“She doesn’t love me anymore.”
“She is not trusting and insecure.”
Let’s take the thought that she is not trusting and insecure and say that she is this way because of a bad past. This causes her not to want to be physical with her husband. This is very real to her and if Bill’s anger escalates, she will continue to withhold affection.
What Bill needs to do is see this from his wife’s perspective and extend empathy and compassion toward her. This will hopefully allow her to see God’s love and grace through Bill and eventually her trust levels may increase.
Romans 14:1 says, “Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matter.”
If Bill will accept Jan where she is and not judge her, there is a better possibility that Jan will be able to work through her issues and be able to be more physical with her husband.
Remember to first target the unhealthy emotion and then ask questions to try to gauge where that unhealthy emotion is coming from. Then look to the Scriptures to find out what God has to say about the situation and purpose to see the situation God’s way. Renew your mind according to God’s word and you are sure to watch your unhealthy emotions change to healthy emotions.