In the PREPARE/ENRICH training, Dr. Olson discusses couple strengths. There are a number of theories/ideas about what constitutes a couple’s strength(s). Some texts recommend that couples should be similar so that they have their likenesses to lean on in stressful times. Others contend that couple differences diminish the weaknesses of the other spouse. How do you approach this idea? Is there evidence in Scripture that supports your position?
Response
Consensus does not exist within the academic community regarding whether the similarity between spouses results in marital satisfaction. Ruth Gaunt contends that a “greater similarity between partners was associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction.”[1] Alternatively, Darren George, Shanhong Luo, Jared Webb, Jennifer Pugh, Alan Martinez, and Jeremy Foulston argue that based on a sample of 641 married couples in North America, similarity “was not a strong predictor of satisfaction.”[2]
Dating and the Single Parent: * Are You Ready To Date? * Talking With The Kids * Avoiding A Big Mistake * Finding Lasting Love by Ron L. Deal (1-Oct-2012)…
When my wife and I met with our pastor for premarital counseling, we each took a personality assessment. Our pastor reviewed the results, and he informed us that we were the most incompatible couple he had ever counseled and warned us not to marry. That was thirty years ago. Ron Deal insightfully notes that “before, marriage, opposites attract, but after marriage opposites attack.”[3] In my marriage, Jennie was initially attracted to my work ethic, but a few years into our marriage she attacked me for being a workaholic. I was initially attracted to Jennie’s laid-back personality, but soon began attacking her for her procrastination and lack of punctuality. At the time, I was working with an executive coach and I told him about my challenges with my marriage. My coach said, “Derek, I do not think you should put up with your wife’s weaknesses, I think you should learn to celebrate them.” I decided to ask my wife why she procrastinated in performing a few domestic chores. She explained that spending time with our young children was more important than promptly finishing chores. I decided to celebrate my wife’s parental heart rather than attack her procrastination.
The apostle Paul addresses the issue of weaknesses in his famous reference to his thorn in the flesh. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul asks God to remove the thorn and God responds, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”[4] It is within the limitations, weaknesses, and differences that God’s power is made perfect in a marriage. Eugene Peterson addresses the benefits of weaknesses and limitations by eloquently rendering 2 Corinthians 13:9, “We don’t just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength, every triumph of the truth in you” (The Message). When couples learn to celebrate differences rather than attack differences, and then allow weaknesses, challenges, and limitations to stretch them to become more like Christ, the result is a transformed marriage.
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[1] Ruth Gaunt, “Couple Similarity and Marital Satisfaction: Are Similar Spouses Happier?,” Journal of Personality 74, no. 5 (October 2006): 1416.
[2] Darren George et al., “Couple Similarity on Stimulus Characteristics and Marital Satisfaction,” Personality and Individual Differences 86 (November 2015): 130.
[3] Ron L. Deal, Dating and the Single Parent (Minneapolis: Bethany House, 2012), 150.
[4] Unless otherwise noted, all biblical passages referenced are in the English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016).
Bibliography
- Deal, Ron L. Dating and the Single Parent. Minneapolis: Bethany House, 2012.
- Gaunt, Ruth. “Couple Similarity and Marital Satisfaction: Are Similar Spouses Happier?” Journal of Personality 74, no. 5 (October 2006): 1401–20.
- George, Darren, Shanhong Luo, Jared Webb, Jennifer Pugh, Alan Martinez, and Jeremy Foulston. “Couple Similarity on Stimulus Characteristics and Marital Satisfaction.” Personality and Individual Differences 86, (November 2015), 126–31.
