What do you see as some of the most impactful challenges involved in a blended family coming together under one roof? What areas would you seek to address in counseling a couple thinking about remarrying to form a blended family?
Response
The challenges of a blended family are quite significant. However, Jaymes Gonzales contends that preblended family counseling not only increases the chance for success, but it also helps smooth the process of integration.[1] Three of the most impactful challenges involved in a blended family are the emotional health of the biological parent, the ability to effectively handle situations with an ex-spouse, and the integration of the new partner into the family. All three need addressed in preblended family counseling.
Dating and the Single Parent: * Are You Ready To Date? * Talking With The Kids * Avoiding A Big Mistake * Finding Lasting Love by Ron L. Deal (1-Oct-2012)…
First, regarding the health of the biological parent, emotional healing is paramount. Ron Deal references one of his clients who states, “healing before remarriage is the most important thing a person can do for themselves and their children.”[2] The pain of loss often extends beyond inner turmoil and into relationships. For example, if a spouse had an affair, it may be difficult to ever trust again. If a parent left an abusive situation, he or she may experience guilt for not “sticking with it” for the kids. Accordingly, it is important to remind the counselee of God’s healing hand, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).[3]
A second challenge is effectively parenting children with an ex-spouse. Deal states, “Ex-spouses can wreak lots of havoc on remarriage relationships.”[4] In most cases, a form of shared custody occurs with underage children; thus, interaction with ex-spouses will continue. In a best-case scenario, discussions around pick-up and drop-off times, financial obligations, and shared decision making with ex-spouses may continue amicably for years. In a worst-case scenario, ex-spouses can initiate an endless stream of legal motions, complaints, and court dates to antagonize or even attempt to bankrupt the spouse. Accordingly, the handling of conflict with an ex-spouse is critical to counseling a couple thinking about remarrying to form a blended family.
The third challenge of a blended family is the integration of the new partner into the family. Gonzales points out that education is critical regarding family member’s expectations.[5] More specifically, Deal explains that it is unreasonable to assume that children will automatically be open to the possibility of a stepfamily.[6] Children may experience significant fear of integrating a new family member. For example, children may fear potential competing attachments or hurt from another potential breakup.[7] The fears that children face need addressed. They may provide an opportunity to discuss their faith in an age-appropriate way, possibly by reminding them of verses such as Psalm 56:4, “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust.” In sum, the counseling process must engage in discussions around emotional health, ex-spouses, and assimilation.
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[1] Jaymes Gonzales, “Prefamily Counseling: Working with Blended Families,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 50, no. 2 (January 2009): 156–57.
[2] Ron L. Deal, Dating and the Single Parent (Minneapolis: Bethany House, 2012), 49.
[3] Unless otherwise noted, all biblical passages referenced are in the English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016).
[4] Deal, Dating and the Single, 88.
[5] Gonzales, “Prefamily Counseling,” 152.
[6] Deal, Dating and the Single, 190.
[7] Ibid., 101–2.
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